


Do You Trust me?

by deadlydecember1214



Series: The Losers Of ‘89 Were Here [4]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King, KING Stephen - Works
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Future Fic, High School, I Love You, I love them all but they didn't fit in here, Juniors, Kissing, M/M, The other losers are talked about, They are 17, but ben gets to give a pep talk, first I love you, mentions of benverly - Freeform, sorry - Freeform, we all love ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 02:43:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12998100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlydecember1214/pseuds/deadlydecember1214
Summary: "Do you trust me, Eds?"No."Yeah, I guess."Eddie accidentally overhears a confession from Richie and he doesn't know how to handle it. (High School Fic)





	Do You Trust me?

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my Queen, who is always willing to talk through my different ideas with me <3

Trust wasn’t something that came naturally to Eddie Kaspbrak.

It never really had, honestly. 

His brain was too full of second-guessing, paranoia, and worry for him to ever get too comfortable. Probably yet another side effect of being raised by Sonia Kaspbrak, the Queen of Helicopter Parenting and, as it turned out, Deceit. It felt impossible to just take someone at their word when his mother was always telling him the opposite…

And in his defense, how was he supposed to trust _anyone_ after discovering aforementioned mother had also lied to his fucking face for 13 years?

_You’re sick, Sweetie! You need me to take care of you!_

_You’re too delicate, you’ll get yourself killed!_

_You need your medicine, Eddie Bear! Please!_

So, yeah, Eddie Kaspbrak had trust issues. 

He never really trusted his friends when they told him that they wanted him around. He never put himself in positions where he’d have to solely rely on someone else. He ignored and brushed off any compliments sent his way, dismissing them all as jokes or lies. 

And probably most problematic as of late, he didn’t believe Richie Tozier when the boy muttered into the dark of his bedroom that he loved him a moment ago.

They’d just been laying there in Eddie’s bed. It wasn’t unusual since they’d started dating two months ago for Richie to come over after Eddie’s mom was asleep. Eddie knew Richie hated sleeping at his own house and, well, maybe Eddie found it easier to doze off when listening to Richie’s noise.

The analog clock by Eddie’s bed displayed that is was 2:34 in the morning and Eddie could have fucking sworn that Richie had been asleep for at least the last twenty minutes. He’d stopped tracing the bones of his boyfriend’s arm so as not to disturb him and he’d been just about to drift off when he’d heard it.

“I love you.”

It was barely a breath, not even a whisper and it still made Eddie’s heart stop in his chest. He remained incredibly still, not daring to move a single inch and risk alerting Richie that he was awake. 

A second later, Richie sighed almost longingly and muttered, “Maybe I’ll actually have the balls to tell you sometime, hmm, Eds? Then again, you probably already know, so…”

No!

No, Eddie did not already _fucking_ know!

Love was… fuck, it was a big deal, right? The real deal. 

Not just messing around, not just being boyfriends, not just _I think I more than like you._ Love meant something more than all that.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe suddenly, fear so intense he’d have gotten vertigo were he standing engulfed his brain, and he very seriously considered shoving Richie away. Maybe he could pretend to wake up from some nightmare and tell his boyfriend he wanted to be alone? Maybe he could wait until Richie really fell asleep and slip downstairs to sleep on the couch?

Eddie figured he’d be able to breathe if he were on the couch…

But he forced himself to stay put under half of Richie’s body weight.

There wasn’t a problem. Not really. Richie hadn’t technically told him anything. He’d just said it to a sleeping room as far as he knew. Eddie didn’t have to think about _LOVE_ and all that came with that. 

And so what if Richie had said it anyway? He didn’t mean it. He could think he did, could really believe the words were true, but Eddie knew that they weren’t. They just… couldn’t be.

The next morning, Eddie rolled out from under Richie the second his alarm sounded and rushed to grab clothes from his closet. He shoved his boyfriend on to his back with an annoyed sigh, “Get up. You need to go if you plan to change clothes before school.”

Richie groaned, shielding his eyes from the sun pouring from Eddie’s window, “Fuck, I swear I should just leave shit here. Running back and forth is fucking annoying.”

_I love you._

A jolt of panic left Eddie breathless as he squeaked out, “No! No, you shouldn’t!” 

“Whoa,” Startled, Richie looked up at him in confusion, “I was just joking…”

“Right,” Eddie muttered, turning back away, “Right, whatever, I knew that.”

After a long stretch of awkward silence, Eddie could still feel groggy, concerned eyes on him and relented with a sigh. He looked over his shoulder to indeed find Richie watching him with a raised eyebrow.

“What!?” He asked, throwing his hands up.

Richie sat up, cocking his head to the side, “Is everything okay?”

_I love you._

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be?” Eddie asked, keeping his eyes on the clothes bundled in his hand and contemplating just making a break for the bathroom down the hall so he could get dressed.

“I don’t know,” Richie shrugged before looking at Eddie even more intensely. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Eddie felt like he was under a microscope which was pretty fucking ironic since Richie hadn’t even put his goddamn glasses on yet and so could probably only make out his silhouette. Still, the feeling of suffocation came crawling back up his throat. 

“You know I hate that— answering questions with questions… You need to go anyway,” He said, cringing a second later at hearing how harsh his words sounded. Quickly, he tried to amend, “I mean, because of school…”

Richie got up, slipping his glasses on, “Yeah, okay.” 

He made his way over to Eddie, resting a hand on his boyfriend’s waist and leaning in for the traditional morning/see-you-later kiss that they shared every morning before Richie slipped back out the window.

Instead, Eddie’s hand came up and gently pushed him back. 

“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet,” The boy mumbled before leaving the room himself, his clothes in hand, to go change in the bathroom. When he came back to the room, Richie was gone and the window was left open, blowing in chilly December air.

_I love you._

* * *

Eddie was furious with himself. 

He was going to let three stupid words ruin his very first, real relationship? Three words and suddenly he felt like he was drowning whenever he caught sight of Richie? They were just words! Words that didn’t really mean anything!

Still, he’d spent all day running in the opposite direction whenever he saw his boyfriend coming down the hall and inching as far away as possible in every class they shared.

Someone should just punch him in the fucking face.

He felt like he was about to explode though whenever Richie was around and he normally felt that way but this was different. There was a desperation in this panic that had never been there before. 

He wanted to… _say something_ but he didn’t know _what_ … and he also didn’t dare to say anything for fear that it would change everything.

Eddie was a little on edge, to say the least, by the time he took his seat in Advanced Placement Chemistry beside Ben. His friend greeted him brightly, despite having just seen him a few hours ago at lunch. 

Oh fuck, lunch… that had been just great, too. 

Eddie had sat between Bev and Stan instead of going through the line with Richie like usual and had ignored his boyfriend’s bewildered and hurt expression the whole half hour.

“So… we must have calculated the half-life wrong because it does not match Mr. Dawson’s rate of radioactive decay,” Ben said with a sigh, tapping his pencil on the spine of his notebook. 

Beside him, Eddie shrugged silently.

“I mean, I guess Dawson’s hypothesis could be wrong…” Ben baited, expecting Eddie to roll his eyes and say something like _Dawson’s the actual teacher, dumbass. We’re the ones who are wrong._

He didn’t. He just nodded and said, “Maybe.”

Ben sighed and shrugged, “I can rework the proble—“

“Has Beverly ever told you she loves you?” Eddie blurted out, gripping his pencil in white knuckles and staring hard at his blank notebook page.

Ben blinked, eyebrows drawing together, “Uh, well, yeah. She’s told me she loves me.”

Eddie bit his lip and glanced up at the ceiling, looking a bit as if he hated himself for continuing but he did anyway, “And when she says it do you… do you, like, believe her?”

There was a long pause as Ben tried to put the pieces all together. Eddie had been weird all day and when Eddie was off, Richie was off — the two seemed to live on the same wavelength — and now Eddie was asking _this_. The taller boy cleared his throat, cheeks flushing, “Of course I do.”

“But _why_ do you believe her?”

“Because I love her too and I know she wouldn’t say it if she didn’t mean it.”

“But, Ben, how do you _know_ she means it?” Eddie pressed on, sounding more and more desperate by the second. He turned to his friend with terrified, unsure eyes, “What if it’s just a spur of the moment slip-up to her or a joke or a— a lie?”

Eddie cut off at the last word, just barely breathing it. 

Ben watched him cautiously for a moment and contemplated how to answer. He didn’t want to pry but it felt as if he had no choice. “We, uh, we’re not really talking about Beverly are we?”

Eddie’s eyes darted away before slamming shut. With a long sigh, the boy slumped back into his chair and remained quiet. Ben tried again, “Did Richie tell you that he… loves you?”

The boy cringed and shrugged, “No, not technically, at least.”

Ben raised an eyebrow and Eddie sighed, “He thought I was asleep.”

“But you weren’t,” Ben concluded, nodding. “Oh, well, that makes it a little more complicated.”

Eddie gave a short, humorless laugh, “Yeah, just a little.”

“What makes you think he didn’t mean it? If anything, him not knowing you were listening is more evidence that he did.” Ben reasoned, leaning his elbows on the desk.

Eddie gave him a look, “When have you ever known Richie to sincerely mean anything, Ben? Hmm? Everything’s a fucking joke to him and that’s fine — I knew that when we — my point is that I know he laughs everything off, I just wish that _this_ wasn’t something else for him to joke about.”

Ben cocked his head to the side, admitting that he did understand this about Richie, before shrugging, “Look, you know Richie better than me but… It just seems like you’re not giving him enough credit here. I see how he looks at you, Eddie, and you can’t fake that. You should at least give him the chance to say what he’s got to say when he knows you can hear it. You should listen to him.”

* * *

When the final bell rang, someone crashed into Eddie as he was crossing the parking lot toward his car. Arms wrapped around him to stop him from falling and a skateboard skidded away across the pavement.

“Shit! Sorry, I meant for that to be smoother, Eds.” Richie’s warm breath ran down Eddie’s neck in the contrasting cold air and made the boy shiver for entirely different reasons.

Shoving his boyfriend away and looking around worriedly for prying eyes, Eddie glared at Richie, “What the fuck, Trashmouth?”

Richie stepped back, glanced at his skateboard and quickly stooped to pick it up, “I don’t know, what the fuck, Eds?”

“You know I hate when you answer questions with questions!” Eddie gave the boy another annoyed look before spinning on his heel, “I have stuff to do, Richie. I don’t have time to stand here and screw around with you.”

Richie watched for a moment as Eddie walked away from him before kicking himself into gear and striving to catch up, “Can I have a ride, at least? It’s cold as balls out here and I’d like to not freeze my dick off skating home.”

Eddie bit his lip hard to stop from smiling at the dumb joke before he finally sighed and gave Richie a curt nod. He regretted it almost immediately when Richie turned to him the second he started the car and said, “Did I do something to get your panties in a twist?”

Eddie sighed, focusing on backing out of his parking space, “What would you have done?”

“For how much you hate it, you answer with questions a lot, too.” Richie mumbled before exclaiming, “See that’s what I’m saying! I mean, I’m a fucking awesome boyfriend—“

“—Okay, now wait—"

“—And I don’t think I forgot anything lately—“

“—You didn’t—“

“—And I even helped you practice that new cheerleading routine for _a fucking hour_ last night so I don’t get why you’re pissed at me!”

“Who says I’m pissed at you?” Richie gave Eddie a look. _Questions with questions_ , rang through the smaller boy’s head and he sighed. Squeezing the steering wheel nervously, Eddie shrugged, “I’m not.”

Richie was quiet for a long time, looking out the window before he sat up straighter in his seat, “Do you trust me, Eds?”

_No._

“Yeah, I guess.” He muttered with a shrug, popping his turn signal to indicate his impending turn onto Richie’s street. 

“Then when we get to my house, come inside with me,” Richie said, looking over at him. Eddie opened his mouth to argue but was hushed immediately, “My mom and dad left town today for a long weekend—a work thing for dad. No one will catch us, no one will see… Come on, Baby.”

_Baby_ , Eddie thought, cheeks flushing, _What a fucker…_

He rolled into Richie’s driveway and nodded, “Fine.”

The boys made their way inside and Eddie fiddled nervously with his keys. He’d decided to leave his backpack outside in the car. Whatever grand scheme Richie had in mind, it wasn’t going to involve school work Eddie was sure. He watched his boyfriend shuck his own bag off, dropping it to the floor and leaning his skateboard on it.

The Tozier household wasn’t all that bad when Maggie and Wentworth weren’t around, Eddie had decided. When it was just him and Richie in the house, he could almost imagine a day when there wouldn’t be a Maggie or Wentworth to worry about anymore. Eddie could nearly see a day where it was just him and Richie all the time in a little house like this… cleaner, admittedly, and preferably with less empty beer bottles.

Richie turned to him, crossing his arms over his chest, and looked him up and down. Eddie knew he should be used to Richie’s gaze by now, having been the center of his attention for weeks, but he still shifted uncomfortably, “Stop it.”

“I’m looking at my boyfriend,” Richie defended, cocking an eyebrow and sighing like he was annoyed, “Didn’t know that was a federal offense now.”

“Don’t be such a baby,” Eddie snapped, rolling his eyes. “Some people prefer to not be stared at like they’re being stalked, shockingly.”

“Stalked? I’m not fucking stalking you, Eds! I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with you!”

“Can you not hear, Trashmouth? Nothing is wrong! Just drop it already!” 

“I’m not dropping it! It’s not fair for you to just be mad at me and ignore me for no goddamn reason!”

“I have my reasons!”

“So you admit it then? That you were mad today and ignoring me?”

Eddie stopped, sputtering and trying to backpedal, “What? No! I— I just— Look, I came inside because you asked but if all we’re going to do is argue then I’ll just leave.”

He started toward the door but a hand caught his arm enough to stop him but purposefully gentle enough to not hurt him. He looked back at Richie and deflated. His boyfriend looked hurt, desperate for answers, and seemed to be silently pleading with him not to go. 

Eddie didn’t move for a long time before to eyes dropped to the floor. Barely above a whispered, he admitted, “I heard you last night.”

Richie looked confused for a moment before realization crossed his features and he dropped Eddie’s arm, “Oh… that. That was just— I was just—”

“Kidding? Yeah, I figured.” Eddie broke off, looking anywhere but his best friend and boyfriend.

“What?” Richie asked, his voice loud and making Eddie jump and look right at him. “Eds, I wasn’t kidding. Why the fuck would I joke about that? I— I do love you.”

_I love you._

_Do you trust me?_

_I love you._

Eddie blinked and swallowed hard, thinking about reaching for his inhaler for a moment before remembering he no longer carried one. 

Richie really loved him? But Richie couldn’t love him! He was Eddie Kaspbrak, the little gay boy with a homophobic mother and a list of anxieties longer than a football field. 

Anxieties about germs. Anxieties about school. Anxieties about the medication he knew he didn’t need. About his mom. About his height. About his friends. About letting people down. About failing. About going out of his comfort zone. About being in a relationship for the first time. About speaking. About being ignored. About being seen. About being seen through. 

About Richie. Disappointing him. Loving him and being loved by him.

Why would anyone want that? 

How could anyone love that?

“No, you don’t.” Eddie shook his head, vision blurring. There was no fight in his tone, none of his usual wit or snark. He didn’t want to fight… he already knew the truth. There wasn’t a point. 

“I do.” Richie argued, more adamant this time before he gave Eddie a considering look, “You… you just don’t believe me.”

“Of course I don’t. I mean, why would I? Why would _you_?” Eddie shrugged, clearing his burning throat. “I’m— _me._ You liking me was one thing and I got used to it but you can’t— you don’t—“

“I love you.”

“Stop it, Richie! I’m not fucking kidding!”

“And I’m not either, Eds! I told you before: _you_ are not a joke to me! I meant that and I mean it when I say that I love you! I am in love you with, even when you’re whiny and annoying and don’t fucking believe me or listen to me and ignore me! I’m still in love with you!”

Eddie stood there, his brain whizzing by at a million miles an hour. His mouth was open but no words came out. He didn’t know what to say again. He wanted to believe Richie, he wanted it to be true, he craved Richie’s love like a man dying of thirst in the desert… and yet it was too daunting to admit any of that. 

Richie sighed, looking away and swallowing hard.

“Well,” The lanky boy started. His voice broke and he cringed, mentally scolding himself for looking so damn pathetic, “Sorry I ruined your goddamn day, Eddie Spaghetti. You can leave now. I know how much you want to go.”

…But he didn’t want to go.

Eddie closed his mouth and glanced over his shoulder at the door before clamping his eyes and fists shut and counting to ten. When he opened his eyes, Richie was starting down the hallway, “Wait! Rich, please!”

The other boy stopped, threw his head back to the ceiling, and slowly turned with his eyebrows raised, “What, Eddie?”

No nickname… no underlying tone of understanding… it hurt but Eddie understood. 

He’d been the one to push Richie away this time and he would have to be the one to mend them back together. Maybe he didn’t know how to quite yet but he didn’t have a choice. Not fixing things with Richie wasn’t an option. 

Not now that he finally knew, without a doubt, that Richie was telling the truth. That Richie really did love him, even if he couldn’t understand why.

“I’m… new to this, okay?” Eddie mumbled, looking at his shoes. The white Keds looked incredibly out of place on the grimy carpet but Eddie still knew that they belonged there, standing right where they were. “I’ve never… done this before.”

Richie remained silent for once in his life, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for the other boy to continue.

“Shit, fuck, that was dumb to say, you already know…” Eddie sighed, pinching his nose, “The fact is that not a lot of people have ever told me that. And the ones that have… I never really thought they were telling me the truth because— because—“

He groaned in frustration and tried again, struggling to keep his breathing normal, “ _I_ don’t even like me, okay? So, why would anyone ever _love_ me? There’s nothing here,” He gestured to himself, “that’s all that great. Me being hopelessly, pathetically in love with you? Sure, that makes sense but you feeling the same… just doesn’t.”

Richie moved forward until he was close enough that Eddie could have reached out and touched him. He wanted to but he didn’t. Looking down at him with a glint in his eyes Eddie’d rarely seen before, Richie swallowed, “Say that again?”

“It doesn’t make sense for you to—“

“Not that! That was just fucking dumb,” Richie shook his head, waving his hand, “The thing before that.”

Eddie thought back for a second only to stop breathing. He hadn’t meant to say that though. And he didn’t know if he could do it again with Richie looking at him like _that_ and nothing else to distract his mind as the words slipped out.

But what did he have to be afraid of? 

_Richie loves you_ , he thought as a reluctant smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. Fiddling with his hands, he tried to sound nonchalant, “The being hopelessly, pathetically in love with you thing? Come on, Trashmouth, _everyone_ knows—“

Arms were crushing him and a tongue was in his mouth before he even had time to finish his sentence. 

Eddie groaned, reaching up to grasp Richie’s face in his previously trembling hands. He kissed back with a matching bruising force, not even caring about how dirty the ground was when Richie yanked his jacket off and tossed it to the floor. Instead, he followed his boyfriend’s lead and tugged at the zipper on Richie’s hole-y, disaster of a hoodie.

Richie got impatience and simply broke their kiss shortly to toss the thing over his head. Eddie chuckled only to be immediately silenced by the return of his boyfriend’s lips on his. Richie’s teeth grazed his lower lip and Eddie yelped into the other boy’s mouth, who took the opportunity to return his tongue to its previous battle with Eddie’s.

Realizing how much control Richie had gained in their current situation, Eddie decided it was time for a little shift. He bit back, clamping down on Richie’s lip hard enough to hurt just a little without really causing injury. 

Turning them, Eddie shoved Richie away so that the other boy stumbled back to his couch, toppling over the back of it and landing on the cushions.

Richie groaned loudly, only his legs dangling over the back of the sofa in Eddie’s view, and said, “ _Fuck_ , I am so in love with you.”

The words should have scared him, but they didn’t. Not anymore. 

Eddie just laughed before going to peer over the back of the couch at his boyfriend with a teasing smile. “Yeah? Well, I might be a little in love with you, too.”

“As much I love hearing you say that, shut the fuck up,” Richie ordered, grabbing Eddie and pulling him on top of him on the couch, bring him back in for another heated kiss.

They laid there, tangled up in each other and in love, for hours. They kissed, breaking occasionally only for breath and to say those words once again to each other.

_I love you._


End file.
